Not sure anyone even reads this anymore, but just needing somewhere to express my heart this morning...


I just have a heavy heart. I'm anxious. I'm longing, aching, desiring, needing CHANGE from where I am right now, just don't know how to get there. Don't know what change I want/need, I just know I need something more than this. My roommate and I were talking the other day about the monotony of life, of the here and now. I don't want to miss moments God has for me, but I am tired of waking up every morning asking myself when it's all going to be different....

This entry probably doesn't even make much sense, it's just bits and pieces of what's going through my head...

Just needing Jesus to move....

Don't have long to write...as I type this, I'm sitting at Starbucks plugging away at homework. However, I really wanted to share this.

I'm sitting on the couch here in the lobby part of the Starbucks by Olivet. As I turn on my laptop I was instantly overwhelemed by the once-again seemingly impossible to-do list I need to complete by 9 pm tonight. However, as I'm sitting here mulling over and over the things to do, a song from the Desperation band popped into my head. One of the lines that's repeatedly over and over in the song simply says, "All of your promises won't let go of me". As that song is running through my head, I looked outside and the moment I looked out the window, it was like the sky opened up and it started pouring. Given the overwhelmed state I'm in, my thought was something like, "Well...that's appropriate. Feeling the weight of all that I'm dealing with and experiencing...the rain just seems to illustrate that". As that thought is processing out in my mind, a rainbow formed in the sky. Not just a partial rainbow, not a faint rainbow, not a tiny rainbow. The biggest and BRIGHTEST rainbow that I have ever seen became so apparent in the sky, through the rain and clouds.... In that moment, Jesus whispered to me, "I told you. All of my promises won't let go of you. It hasn't stopped raining, but the rainbow is still there. There's still rain in your life, it may even be pouring, but look. The rainbow, my promise to you, is still there. Just look for it..."

It was all I could do to contain my tears sitting here in Starbucks.

God is faithful. Amidst the stress and fear and worry and overwhelmed state I've lived in the last couple weeks, God is constant. And I know, although I may not always feel it, that His promises are holding me...

“Here I am, just one more day of not, loving Him the way He asks; In fact my heart is singing praises to the things that make me feel alright…”

Man it’s been a busy semester. I feel like I’m playing catch up everyday, just in order to stay “on-top” of everything, which really means staying only a day behind instead of a week or more. This is just crazy. 19 credit hours, Freshman RA(requiring all of my energy and availability), Catering about 12-15 hours a week…on top of trying to maintain any sort of friendship with people I care about, as well as needing to figure out how to squeeze a decent amount of sleep in there, to avoid getting sick. The last one on that list I have clearly failed as even now as I type this, I am doing all I can to fight off this awful cold that has decided to make a home in my body for the past couple days. All of that to say, I simply can’t seem to catch my breath.

I was supposed to go home this weekend to watch Brianna in the play at school. But due to a crazy contagious sickness she has and my own weak immune system, I ended up staying here. It’s probably a blessing in disguise, but I was really looking forward to  spending time with my family, just a weekend away. Instead I’ve spent about the majority of the last two days working on homework, trying to figure out how to minimize my to-do list into something that at least looks manageable.

I’ve found in what little free-time I do have, and trust me, it’s minimal, the above quote is ringing true. I thrive on the times spent “doing nothing” (even if it is only 15 minutes) or the times I’m with my friends (although I’m usually working away on homework while with them). I miss spending time with people, yet I’m blowing off my creator. When I have a free moment, I don’t lay before him and rest, I don’t allow him to renew and restore me, but I fill my time with things that only satisfy for the time being, until my “fun-time” slot is over and I head back to reality….

 

All of this rambling to say I’ve allowed my busyness to affect my walk. I’ve allowed the stress and responsibilities of my daily routine to shadow over all that God is trying to do. It’s so easy to do, so quick to become a habit, yet so incredibly hard to break out of….